Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of a American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of a bagpipe tuner, yes, you heard it correctly, or did the fine melodious offerings of the bagpipe drown out the words that I am speaking? No need to yell, I can hear you - Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling - oh if you think this is easy just try to keep the bag full of air while making fine adjustments to the tweeter thing - not so easy to do in a kilt, which by the way is not the official attire of a bagpipe tuner but is rather freeing - don't be squeezing the pipes while tuning - causes reverb, or something...Anyway...

What a lovely start to this lovely day in a lovely part of the world - might as well enjoy being where you are this morning, coffee helps, oh and how... and how... just had an idea, coffee cake to go with your coffee in the morning, brilliant! Caffeine laced cake to go with caffeine beverages - brilliant, already I am hyped - coffee is my favorite show...Right?

So what is happening in your neighborhood? Crazies and criminals making headlines, dollars and not taking the prescribed medications driving those two, I'll let you decide which is which - speaking of dollars, I see the ads coming out now for the Dollar Stores, dang, everything is a dollar - actually the same item is 69 cents at Walmart - comparison shopping people - rat things of all the rat lands of America - hippies anyway - money buys a book but  - headline no one wants to see "Nude Man gets tangled in barbwire fence" actually I saw that headline but didn't want to see it... Anyway...

Big Larry and Hambone started to Arizona last week but weather reports said the weather wasn't any warmer there than here - they didn't figure it was worth the risk of traveling to another country if the weather was cold there too - Big Larry and Hambone have the impression that anything south of Las Vegas is another country, something to do with gun laws and English language - besides Hambone told me the government won't give him a  passport due to the name on his birth certificate - said he can't get a Visa either because of his poor credit - I just listen, smile and nod...

The clock had a mind of it's own - two hours of mind numbing work and only twenty minutes had gone by on the clock with a mind of it's own - the power had been turned off and the batteries removed but the clock had a mind of it's own...

What are you looking at? Never seen a dude with dude things before? Bye a lot Bye!!!

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of a chicken choker - yes, it is a job title that invites a certain amount of snickering but in the grip of the poultry industry a chicken choker holds a very important role - centuries of processing chickens and the industrial revolution have not been able to hand over a device more capable than the manual chicken choker. Until recently the position of chicken choker has been mainly a male endeavor but more liberal business thinking has made the job a popular career choice among women...reminds me, I need to put some lotion on my fish tattoo...

Lovely day today, lovely weather for this time of year - started the day with a good strong cup of black coffee - I think the world is quickly beginning to understand the benefits of the super caffeinated hot beverage, doctors worldwide are singing the praises of the bowel stimulating qualities associated with the wonder liquid - as with all things moderation is key, please limit java intake per day to just under your body weight, I think that is the rule... reminds me, lotion, tattoo...

So... what is happening in the world? Good to see Oprah on the cover of the trash magazines once again - wonder why she was absent  - did she piss off the gossip rags or something? - maybe there was more important news that took precedent over Oprah - I know the whole Demi Moore / Two and a Half Men thing was big for 15 minutes - ever think of creating your own personal flag? - kind of like a family crest thing but in flag form - would you choose colors? wording? symbols? - I am going to come up with my own flag and fly that sucker like a kite - what is the word on Greece and Spain and the other Euro nations? - Ireland is a Euro nation... anyway...

Big Larry is getting into the whole holiday spirit thing - started wearing his Santa hat the day after Thanksgiving - he has a turkey hat but doesn't wear it anymore after the Wild Turkey incident, can't afford to lose any more shoes - but Big Larry has to be careful of the tassel on the Santa hat, keeps getting in his soup and then he has to smell chili all holiday season - Hambone might be Jewish or just really has a thing for dreidels...

The man with the red tie will be the first to open your door  - the man with the blue tie will be the first to correct your grammar - the man with the yellow and purple tie will be confused about his role in the world - but the man with the green tie won't look twice before crossing the road...

Do you know any good stories that don't involve kitties or frogs? Bye blue paint Bye!!!

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of the set designer for the Republican Presidential candidates national debate series - so many details to keep in mind, make sure they all seem equal in height as to not give one an advantage, place the front runners in the middle of the group - some other stuff too but slips my mind at the moment - I do like the names, Mitt, Newt, Bat-shit crazy - good ol' boy names - lighting is important in the debate, a bright lighted setting makes the candidates look like they have a pulse and maybe an idea or two on how to better our nation, sorry, thought I could put a positive spin on that, not sure any of them have a freakin' clue - oh well, if you don't vote you can't bitch about it - or if you don't vote no one can blame it on you - or...

Geez it has been awhile since I have done this - let's see if I can remember the format - stupid followed by crazy followed by incoherent gibberish and then rapped up with a tune from the 60's, now taking requests, I kind of like some Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass - ok, so what has been happening since we last communicated in this medium known as 'writin' on the computer thing'? Rhetorical question, as are most of my questions - big words are giving me a headache - stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

Started today with half a pot of coffee left from yesterday and topped off with some freshly brewed - it helps to have some liquid handy when you stuff a whole bran muffin in your mouth at once, that is an experience, hot coffee into a mouthful of dry bran muffin, I think I saw colors, mostly purple mixed in with some white and a little red around the edges, after all it may be the edges that hold the true meaning to the experience, and it is all about the experience right? if it wasn't we would just sit in front of the TV everyday and not leave the house - anyway, the coffee was damn good this morning!

Ok, so I was just informed by my virus protection software that I am a threat to my own security - I think I received a letter like that once - maybe not - maybe the world needs a virus scan once in awhile - I guess as crazy as things seem now it is no crazier than history shows us - I hope the weather holds out so I can get my leaves raked, my major concern for the world - anything else of importance? war, famine, hate, distrust, natural disasters, hemorrhoids? yep, all still of concern...ok

Just back from visiting with Big Larry and Hambone - some excitement there - seems that the Stage Stop is installing the no touch motion sensor automatic paper towel dispensers in the restrooms - big news - but the discussion now centers on how much paper towel to dispense with each tripping of the sensor - industry standard is eight inches each cycle - Big Larry thinks fourteen inches would save from having to cycle the dispenser multiple times in order to get enough paper towel to dry your hands and blow your nose, but he said it only matters when he needs to wash his hands and blow his nose at the same time, something to do with food safety - Hambone doesn't like the motion sensors, says his blood vessels aren't close enough to the surface to activate them - the chef salad is always good at the Stage Stop.

Didn't see the Bumble Bee coming, guess the Bumble Bee didn't see me either - it was a stand off, neither moving, just staring at each other, not stepping left or right, not flying left or right, just staring, only inches away, seconds go by, a minute, then a smile, then a laugh...

For now, Bye, for now.

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of a surgeon - today we will be performing a total knee replacement using state of the art technology and the newest in human replacement parts - today's medicine is far superior to even that of just a couple of years ago, for example, we can now charge $75000 for a new knee, just two years ago we could only charge $69000, modern medicine is wonderful - the drugs used are much better now also - I used to snort surgical cocaine as I was cutting but now I have found a wonderful cream I rub on the inside of my thighs and achieve the same euphoric high without the white powder residue on my nostrils - which reminds me, I need to get to the butcher shop and order steaks for the barbecue next weekend, any suggestions as to a good cut of meat? Just asking... geez...

I'm back... did you miss me? Of course you did, as evidenced by the many e-mails, texts and other communications wondering if I was ever going to blog again - never fear my loyal followers, maybe fear is the wrong word.

Started the day by slogging down two cups of luke warm coffee just to get enough caffeine in my system to give me the energy to make a fresh pot of the jeweled brew, never throw out old coffee, you never know when it will save your life - anyway don't believe everything you hear about rubbing stuff on your inner thighs, sometimes it just makes a mess - beautiful day in the land so conservative that education is considered optional, just follow your god fearing conservative leader and you will never need any of that education stuff, now get in line, now, good minions good...what did the green bean say to the lima bean? see, now you're thinking the freakin' beans are talking to each other, because I know for a second you were asking yourself "what did the green bean say?" - get in line - well, actually green beans could talk at one time but the ad didn't go over well in Omaha so it was pulled from rotation - and never rub green beans on your inner thighs... just saying...

Has anyone seen any news lately? I guess there is an issue with traffic in Southern California, seems the world will stand still there for a weekend or so... what about women's soccer? what? baseball is the only major league sport happening right now - good god, I guess it could be worse - we could have to listen to ego-maniacal politicians stutter and sput over debt ceiling issues that we know in the long run they are going to screw up anyway - jesus, who asked about news?

It is summer-time and Big Larry and Hambone are usually pretty busy this time of year - Hambone drives truck for a farmer and has plenty to do, keeps him out of trouble - Big Larry spends part of his days fishing this time of year - he has to be careful though, Big Larry won't buy a fishing license because you need a home address to get a license - he is still mad about the census not counting him because he didn't have an address yet the people from the school loans seem to find him just fine - Big Larry never catches a fish anyway...

The house fly boarded the plane in Minneapolis bound for Denver - would he know anyone in Denver? A house fly on an airplane, would it take a seat? Would it fly while flying? The house fly boarded the plane in Minneapolis.

Sometimes bad decisions are made because of a full bladder - Bye not Bye!!!

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of the guy that shreds the cabbage for your cole slaw, yes all of those $1.29 bags of pre-shredded cabbage in your grocers bagged salad selection, that is my occupation - you may think there are big companies behind all of that cabbage shredding, but no just me - don't get me wrong I have a hand crank shredder to speed up the process, not like I am sitting at the kitchen table with a knife shredding all that cabbage, five years ago maybe but now I have the German made Cabbage Shredder 7000, precisely shreds in 3 different sizes depending on the region and use (the south likes a finer cole slaw) - and now I even add in some carrots if that is how you roll with the slaw - Yes, I am the sole slaw shredder for the U.S. and central Canadian markets - you are right that I must be busy - 8 hours a day 5 days a week, shred shred shred - Thank God for the union or I would be working 8.25 or 8.5 hours a day, the people demand their slaw - and so it goes...

The day is starting out well - a bit early I agree but genius knows no hour, madness knows no hour or someone without a clock knows no hour - pick one - coffee is just as entertaining at 3:00am as it is at 7:00am - I expect there will be major nappage later today - is nappage a word? a pot of coffee in the middle of the night is bound to bring on a big crash sometime say mid-morning - count on it - even though today's java selection is a milder blend I make up for it by increasing the intake to compensate for the boldness - see, genius might be your pick - what do most people do at this time of day? what time does 'bucks open?

Most watched event in the history of television this week (no not the episode of American Pickers where they find the old oil can, reported to be worth $20) the Royal Wedding between the royal people and some other royal people or something, quite exciting because one of them might be the King of England some day, I vote for the guy to be the king, I think my vote counts - but seriously at least it was a good positive event involving romance instead of death and destruction - also everyone's favorite sport had its college draft start this week - Yes, American Football - must clarify that for my readers in 98% of the rest of the world that call the game of soccer "football", big court hearings and lockouts and such over what it is called, soccer or football, at least that is what I think the fuss is about, might be about greed - finally the world can take a huge collective breath and relax because our president dude produced a valid birth certificate, people were starting to freak but have you ever tried to get a copy of your birth certificate? takes years!

Tried to get ahold of Big Larry this week but not sure he gets half the messages I leave with the clerk at the Stage Stop - partly because she forgets to give it to him and partly because he doesn't show up sometimes for days - he might be in Nevada again, seems I remember something about a letter he received saying someone found one of his shoes he left down there - he does like his white Adidas high tops and you need two shoes to make a pair, right? Hambone wears rubber boots most of the time, remind me to get him some Gold Bond Extra Medicated.

It was the biggest thing to happen in town that day, seven birds walking in a row down Main Street. In a perfect row just walking right down the middle of Main Street. Cars pulled to the side, people stopped their busy day to watch, children smiled at the seven birds walking right down the middle of Main Street. It was the biggest thing to happen in town that day.

And when all of the coins are collected there will be no more coins - Bye foop Bye!!!

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day - just another day in the life of a zookeeper, not just any zoo but the new concept zoo called the Ark - seems to have some reference to a biblical fantasy of collecting animals two by two and sailing around the world in this big oldie time yacht - wait a minute, that is what Noah said we are going to do with this new concept zoo and why I am to figure out how to keep the hyenas from eating the damn chickens - and what about some animal we are to collect called a lorax? I googled a lorax but all I got was a list of porn sites and some Lord of the Rings picture - Lorax kind of sounds like some fantasy animal - unicorn - maybe the unicorn missed the first Ark - maybe?
How is everyone today? Rhetorical of course, not sure why I ask, you can't reply and I really just ask as some kind of social courtesy - yes, that is me, Mr. Social Courtesy - not to be confused with my alter ego, Mr. Social Disease, which is only just a few degrees difference from the courtesy thing but the ointment has a decidedly medicine odor - Oh, today might be some obscure celebration of another biblical tale, something to do with rabbits and golden eggs, or a crucifix and fake green grass, or a 50% off sale at Macy's, pretty good deal, bath towels were regular $12.99 now on sale for $9.99, don't worry about trying to figure the math thing, just believe, just believe.
Starting today with a grand new coffee blend - smooth and very delicious - the seventh cup is just as good as the first and I am sure the twitch in my eyelid will go away soon - trying to decide if there is anything news worthy t report on - Middle East is in turmoil, economy sucks, clown parade has started for the presidential thing, weather still killing people, Geez, a regular happy-fest of news - oh, well, I did receive some new ink this past week and that should make everyone happy, right? Anyone following sports right now? Washington Capitols are doing well in the playoffs. When does football start?
Had a nice lunch with Big Larry and Hambone recently - it has been awhile since the three of us have been able to get together for lunch - everyone has a busy schedule, like Big Larry trying to avoid mail and work - seems he had a problem with his camper also, has to move the hose for the toilet dump, some one caught on it was just draining into a rock filled hole and not a sewer system, he has 30 days to come up with a solution, most likely won't though - Hambone had a chili burger for lunch - good to get together with the boys.
No one seemed to notice - the clouds that day were just a bit odd - something different - must have been something else going on that no one mentioned the clouds - was the attention drawn away on purpose -did no one look up - no one seemed to notice the clouds that day.
Here comes Peter Cottontail - hopping down the bunny trail - Bye pastel Bye!!!

Ramblings of an American Madman

Ramblings of an American Madman - Just another Day!!! just another day in the life of the guy who makes up crossword puzzles, no great science he says just put together some up and down crossword looking grid, think it is now computer generated, and then start filling in the blanks using words that may or may not exist and clues that can only be deciphered by an eighty year old music history professor - a nine letter word for the town referred to in Mendelssohn's third concerto refrain? - lost me at nine, please keep the number of letters in these words to about four or five, standard American education words like 'pizza' or 'couch' - Geez, crossword puzzle guy, what is up with making me think outside of my little part of heaven here in... you know, this place. Starting today with a lovely brew, not too strong, not too thin, well maybe it is a little strong but who doesn't like to chew your first cup of coffee in the morning - gets you going boys!!! - found a new way to enjoy that first cup, just dip both index fingers in your cup and then massage a little coffee on to your temples while taking deep breaths and chanting an obscene mantra just a little too loud - doing this while standing in the middle of a Starbucks first thing in the morning really gets the blood going - it is a good way to explore the communities view of mental health - maybe I should write a book - anyway. What ever happened to Snuggies? Are they only a holiday sensation and for ten months forgotten? Genius idea - but if you think about it (and I think about Snuggies alot) I am not so sure if they were invented or found by mistake - really just a robe you wear backwards, right? I can so picture some stoner getting up in the morning, firing up a little KGB in the antique (1973) handle grip bong and as he walks out of the bedroom realizes he has put his robe on backwards - no I meant to do that, keeps me covered while cranked all the way back in my Laz-E-Boy - effin' genius - now just convince the U.S. that wearing a cheap flannel robe (in 27 colors and designs) backwards is the thing to do - yes, really wasn't that hard to convince them was it? where is my pet rock? Any news happening? Seems the Federal Government will be funded for a little longer now, good to see that they will be putting our tax dollars to use - if they hadn't come to some agreement and shut the government down would they have given me back the taxes I paid to run a government? just asking - count down to California earthquake, as predicted earlier there will be an earthquake of epic magnitude 6-8 weeks after the big Japanese quake, gives you a couple of weeks to move out of California, maybe move to Idaho and scare the s**t out of the good ol' boys, makes me giggle - weird time of year for sports, waiting for football season - celebrity news, no one in this room cares - anyway. Have not heard from Big Larry lately - strangely silent - he must be working or found a girlfriend with a job - a little money keeps him quiet for awhile but he will get bored with either source after a short time - he has a sweet deal working at the Stage Stop if he just stays away from the customers and remembers to wear the disposable plastic gloves while restocking the roller dog machine, contrary to common truck stop lore a little Quaker State does not enhance the taste of a roller dog - anyway. Name that song title, artist and album - "exit light, enter night, take my hand..." If you were give a million dollars today, how long would you have a million dollars? Bye, $ Bye!!!